Eye Of The Beholder

This video lend me to look for some anti skinny shaming support. I found several different videos, blogs and posts that are against body shaming all around but no one really addresses what bothers me the most; how eating disorders, Anorexia and Bulimia are used as an insult.

“Skinny anorexic, bulimic, regurgitating bitch…”

I personally have had the fact that I’m anorexic thrown back at me like an insult. “Anorexic bitch”…I get the bitch part, but the first part of the statement is just a fact…how is it insulting? A lot of people speaking out about skinny shaming are quick to take it as an insult. Saying how not every skinny girl throws up after every meal.

What about the skinny girls that do? The skinny girls that have eating disorders, that count calories, that are Anorexic and/or bulimic? Skinny women can be considered attractive, but not if they have an eating disorder?

Many eating disordered girls who are very thin, look similar to naturally thin girls. Does their mental illness suddenly affect their “beauty”? Eating disorders are tight woven with self esteem and telling someone that they look disgusting for being too thin according to your standards isn’t helpful. It would be different if I looked the way I do because its my bodies natural state?

I’ve always been on the thinner side, not nearly as much as I am now. I think obviously people feel if they include eating disordered thin girls into this, it would be encouraging the behavior. I think it is much worse to put people down for they  look even if its because they are unhealthy.

Unhealthy=/=Unattractive

unattractive [ˌʌnəˈtræktɪv]

adj

1. not appealing to the senses or mind through beauty, form, character, etc

2. not arousing interest

 

It makes me feel as though my mental illness suddenly defines me in every way because it affects my physical appearance. My physical and mental health makes me ugly? Your health should be your health. Beauty isn’t a list of requirements you need to have. Beauty is your flaws and failures; your assets and achievements.

Body shaming needs to stop for everyone, even if your physical appearance if affected by mental or physical illness. You don’t need to be healthy to be beautiful. You need to be healthy to live well. It reminds me of the BS with Angelina jolie.

If you have a disease whether it’s mental or physical should it affect your beauty?

Lucy’s At The Gym Again

I decide to see where this search would lead me on Google. The phrase itself is frightening. What I found was too at times. Several links to other blogs discussing the issue or personally addressing women they see it the gym and suspect have an ED. (Lucy at the gym tuned in to my mind when I read those posts.)

I am a gym goer, and I suppose this supports my way of thinking every time I go and run myself ragged on the tread. “Everyone is looking at me…judging.” We all do watch people and judge them. Not always in a bad way. I know I people watch, take notice of peoples outfits (cause I like fashion really), I’ve half listened to a conversation. At the gym I’m worse; taking note of how long, and fast people are running beside me. How many sets the girl in the next machine over is doing. I thought it was just my ED that made me do that, but I guess everyone is guilty.

The questions though,  risen in the issue are; “Should gyms intervene if they suspect a member has an Eating disorder?” and “What do you do if you suspect a stranger has an Eating disorder?”

SUSPECT/Verb; “Have an idea or impression of the existence, presence, or truth of (something) without certain proof.”

So for both questions I have the same answer; coming from a with anorexia. No and nothing. Having an eating disorder feels like you have committed a crime, that its inherently wrong and a choice in the actions we take. People policing what I can and can not do with my body and time. You can’t tell if some one has an eating disorder just because they are thin and go to the gym. (though I will not lie; chances are they do have an ED, just not 100%)

Imagine if you will; I am going about my routine at the gym. I’m sweaty and exhausted, probably high off endorphins and adrenaline.  Another gym goer or even a gym staff member comes to me. I can’t imagine what they would say, to initiate this talk about how they suspect me of having and eating disorder nor do I know how they would express their concern. Ask me to leave? Offer help and a hotline? What would you do concerned gym people with out ED’s? Rather what do you think you could do that would possibly help?

First and foremost, I would feel every color of the emotional rainbow; fear, anger, shame, panic. I would quickly leave and thus never return to said gym. I’d probably just head to a different location or a whole new gym. Nothing anyone could say would help. I know all I need to do. I know how bad my ed is. Its just another person telling me things I don’t need to hear, more guilt, more shame, more reasons to hate myself.

The gym is a haven. Its therapeutic as much as it detrimental to my health. I go when I don’t want to b/p. Yes over exercise is a form of urging, but its better than my shoveling food into my mouth to deposit it violently into the nearest drain. Exercise make me feel better (endorphins) not depressed. Do not intruded on my holy time. It is sacred to me and I would be able to handle the loss.

To the people with ED’s; what would you do in this situation? How would you feel? And is there any exception where intervention is necessary; from strangers?

 

Photograph

On my tumblr I was asked via Anon about my “obsession with taking pictures of myself, and how I treat them as trophies.” It sounds mean, but they were actually very polite about it. It’s not too far from the truth either. In the ED community we take pictures of our self for many reasons but I will only speak for myself here;

• My body image is warped, you know it; I know it. I am thin, but I don’t think so 99% of the time. I don’t see or feel this. Taking pictures is a way of documenting it, its proof. Which brings us to the next reason.
• Verification, reassurance, a second opinion; other people seeing me and letting me know “Am I really that thin?”
• Pride; as sick as that is. My ED is very much about goals and if others really do see me as ,then I am reaching them. This is my sick little niche, which I am excelling at. I find nothing else that I do of value. I am not good at anything really. If I’m losing weight; if I am thin…at least I am good at that.

I never understand what I am supposed to see. Sometimes I can’t think that the images are actually of me. A flash of collar bone here, ribs, chest bones…Do I desire to have these visible…on the internet yes. The attention via the net is safe; it is distant. I am a hermit, a recluse in real life. I don’t connect well with others. I really don’t have friends. I’m not a people person. I just fake it really well.

Now I know my own reasons for posting pictures of myself. Why do others do it too? Why do we reblog these images of each other? Personally if I see someones picture, and I like how they look, if I desire to look like that too, REBLOG.

I posted this a few days ago and its notes multiplied to my complete confusion. I thought it was interesting when I took it but people really like it and I’m at a loss for why. In the end all I see is a bored girl with fat thighs and too much time to mess with her cell while she was on the train.

You're The Best Around

Reblogged from Recovering Anorexic: Spread Thin:

I think eating disorders are one of the only mental disorders where people actually strive to be the sickest.

I could say depression would closely follow, but because I don't have a deep history with it, I'm simply basing that assumption on the many self-harm photos and false "I'm going to kill myself unless I get 100 likes" posts on Tumblr.

Read more… 500 more words

You are already privy to what makes me want to be sick/sicker. Wanting to get to my low weight goal for the sake of seeing if I can. I feel like my ED is the only thing that is my own, something I am "good" at. Reaching the goal I set would somehow prove to myself that I am in control. I do get competitive about this but, internally. I tend to just push harder and I think its a similar reason for others. We're scared that if someone is sicker (i.e. better) it invalidates us and our ed's. As for the attention seeking, when it comes to ED's EVERYONE is looking for attention, but its because they need the attention. Wanting attention is getting mad, and pouting. You need attention when you hurt yourself fr it. A healthy person doesn't do that. It goes against natural instincts; self preservation. I see some people with EDs who need attention physically. People clamoring around them. Over the internet you can get a different type of attention. Its easier for us socially awkward/anxiety people. You can get all this attention and never actually talk or see anyone. They don't have to be around you but you feel like you matter., your illness matters. When we post images of ourselves its half asking "Do I look sick?" and half screaming "LOOK HOW SICK i AM!" I want to know that I matter,that I am not crazy.

The Lonely

I’ve been hitting the gym like a mad woman; in a tractor trailer, without a license. I.E. It’s crazy, destructive and probably against the rules; recovery rules that is. I mean an anorexic girl who says “I’m going to try to recover soon…by September-october.” really shouldn’t be working out…right? Not spending an hour every other day on the treadmill until her knees threaten to give. I walked into my house like Gollum. I saw my bed and wanted to yell “MY PRECIOUS!”

Applying to work at said Gym is probably a bad idea too. At least it is according to Z. Not sure if its me working  in a gym period, the secondary job that may burn me out or both. I’m guessing both but more about how I will be in the gym all the time, if I get this job. I really don’t want another job with food. This one is bad enough. I’m around food all day and I’ve been b/ping everyday. Horribly costly amounts, mixed with the waste my job throws away everyday. That may change soon as my boss said no one is allowed to take it home anymore. Maybe that’s just what I need.

That’s the initial trigger right there, the option to bring home food. Now I have all this food and I need to make sure I have sweets too. So I have to go buy extra food. Now working in the gym may be triggering too, seeing people work out and/or skinny girls. The disordered portion of my brain prefers the latter trigger to occur because that mean I will  work out more often; both are bad though. Speaking about all theses triggers, I made a new blog as well.

>>>ED-TRIGGERS <<<

It ask based submission, that I turn into a picture (pictures that are not mine and I just find on the net, then I put the trigger on said picture, it’s very simple. Got the idea from other blogs like What’s your secret, etc. I also have the blog set up for advice about dealing with your triggers, and general questions.  Though I’m not sure how qualified I am to be helping anyone. Should you really listen to someone who can’t deal with shit themselves? I mean I know what you have to do; what I have to do…I just don’t do it. So I’m being a hypocrite, but perhaps a helpful one in the end.

Maybe I’ll learn from other bloggers too, I mean I can always use advice and support. I’m a fucking mess. I’m such a mess…

Honestly, I’ve been really depressed and shit just is going wrong. I’m not fond of my job, but it pays the bills; still +1 stress. My best friend of …god…12 years, doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, or rather she wants to do her own thing, and I do mine. She doesn’t agree with how I am living my life; as far as my ED goes. She said I don’t want to change and she doesn’t know how to help me, that she feels helpless in the situations and it hurts her. We don’t talk and the relationship feels forced. That its too difficult to hang out. I’ll agree that it feels forced, but only from her side. I felt her  being pulled away and as much as I tried to hang out and talk, it just wasn’t working.

Z is in Cali and my best friend (practically my only one…I guess) she’s not in the picture. All the other “Friends” I have…I’m not that close with. Even if they do know about my ED now…it’s not something I want to talk about with them…they don’t understand…I’d just end up making a burden of myself with them too. My family is not helpful. They care but in the wrong ways and it just makes it worse. I can’t talk to them either.

So I’m essentially alone. I can feel it. That heavy loneliness is eating me up and it hurts so damn much; I just break into tears at times. I’m barely sleeping, and I’m B/Ping everyday (not unusual but its always emotionally triggered lately instead of hunger.) I’m hungry now and its hard to resist all the damn binge food I bought, but its also a lot of pain. I just don’t want to not think about it. Thinking about it brings me down to a place I don’t want to be. With out any way to cope…and this goes for anything really…I get suicidal very fast.

Right now dying seems so much easier than dealing with shit. I can’t deal, don’t want to deal with anything. When I can’t cope I don’t want to live either. I need better coping skills or it’s be better if I just ride the world of my insanity.

Anorexia, 12 Years Later

Reblogged from Recovering Anorexic: Spread Thin:

As posted on my Tumblr:

In 2001, I was a 15-year-old self-diagnosed person with anorexia who blogged daily on a site called Teen Open Diary. Under the same name, too (tripurity).

I’ve had an online eating disorder persona since before many of you even started kindergarten, and reading most of your posts in the anorexia/eating disorder tags echo the exact same sentiments I used to write about back then:

Read more… 520 more words

I've kept more diaries than I can count, because I existed in a time where we were too broke to afford a computer, let alone the internet. My oldest one I can find is from 15-16. I was sure to find it riddled with self harm concerns more than anything else and I'm not left disappointed with that. I was surprised by how much eating disordered crap was hidden in between all my cutting and teen angst. Though I really shouldn't be surprised I guess.. I have a few excerpts from my diary. I'm tempted to include my atrocious spelling but the grammar will be painful enough. (both of which haven't improved all that much over time.)

1/16/06 "I found that I'm most likely clinically depressed. My eating pattern is so off, I'm always tired and I weigh less than 110lbs, and I'm losing more as we speak."

1/17/06 "I'm not eating tonight to spite them (my parents). It bothers them, not me. When I hit 90lbs maybe they will notice my misery. Or I WILL FUCKING LEAVE!" - I was upset because they were getting on my case about little things, yelling at me because I sighed after they told me to go to the store. I broke down and went to cut in the bathroom and my mother added fuel to the flames by screaming at me that it doesn't take that long to go to the bathroom.

4/22/06 "I can't speak to them, I can't eat, I can barely function with all this rage. At least it's better than being numb but I just can't do anything. I feel trapped in a tiny little cage of rusted razor blades. I feel like puking now." blah blah blah, I ranted on in anger and moving out once I hit 18. I was accused of staying up all night with Z (who was staying over at the time. ) In reality I'd went to bed, then woke up early and z was still asleep so I started to read a book and my stepfather came out, told my mother other wise and she blatantly called me a liar when I told her the truth. I believe Z wasn't allowed to stay over again for a while after that.

4/24/06 "I saw (Z) today and we ate BLT's. Very good +very bad, I'm trying to lose weight. I won't be eating anything tomorrow, at all." ... later..."I'm eating cake right now...I really can't have a single ounce of food tomorrow."

4/25/06 "I haven't eaten since last night, I'm trying not to eat until Thursday night; a feat that will be hard to accomplish. At this moment my stomach is eating itself. I want to lose weight, but I also want to stuff my face. I'll be ok. I'm going to sleep so I won't be tempted to eat.".. after nap.."I ate. I want to puke. I had a piece of cake, half the mozzarella cheese and 2 bowls of cereal.I won't let myself eat again till Friday night."

5/10/06 "I haven't eaten in a day or more. 12pm yesterday, its 8:30pm now."

5/25/06 "I haven't been sleeping or eating a lot lately."

I was such an angry person...well I still am, and I curse like a truck driver. Anything that had to so with eating was body image, stress, spite or anger though. Now as RA wrote.

"I don’t want to lose weight because I think I’m fat. I want to lose weight to lose weight. I want to lose weight to be thinner than I already am, to see what I would look like, to be able to say I’ve done it, to constantly see the number go down in an attempt to prove that I could do what many others could not."

This is exactly my reason. I hate to admit it but I can't allow myself to go into recovery because in all honesty, I want to see if I can get there. I want to follow through on something for once. I always half ass my life and this is the one thing that is mine; if I dare say good at. If I could reach the goal I set it'd prove something to me, it would satisfy that urge so I can move on already.

I often wonder if that is my ED perpetuating it's self. If its just a set up to stay stuck in the cycle and not have to focus on anything else. When I'm worried about food and weight, I don't care about other stresses as much. I can tunnel vision and tune out the world. Place one pain above the others, because I can handle this. I have been I suppose, and I don't feel I'm strong enough to deal with real issues. How sad...

Hungry Like The Wolf

I’ve been busy lately because I have a job now. I work in lower manny hanny yet again in food service. Food service and eating disorders never mix well, though I’ll have to admit all the food they throw away has been saving me money on binge food. Though I am still spending way too much money on binge food. It’s 12am and I just went to the store before it closed to get 15 bucks of binge food. Today I was going to attempt to not b/p; oh the most recent of so many many failed attempts.

My life, my health (both physical and mental) are out of sorts and on a downward spiral. Z is living in Cali with his brother now. My heart is in pieces and I feel lonely all the time. I have had the worst insomnia for weeks now…in fact since Z left. 4,3,2 no hours of sleep each night. Falling asleep at 3am, falling asleep at a normal damn hour only to wake up 4 hours later. The b/p’ing doesn’t help much as I can stay up all night cycling between my frig and toilet. It’s also not helping me get up and ready on time for work. I only work Mon-friday about 9am to 4pm-ish.

I’m really on my own here in NYC. There is a lot on my plate and it certainly isn’t food…and if it is, I’m not keeping it down. I really want to save and be prepared for when I move out to Cali myself. Before I can even do that, I want to reach my goal weight  (69lbs) and then…the hard bitter road to eating normally, where I’ll allow myself to gain back up and keep some weight on.

Some days I day dream about being a normal/healthy weight. For my height and frame that’s actually like (105-115). I’d be fit, with boobs and an ass and Z would drool at the sight of me. I’d have abs , muscle tone, strength.(all thanks to my renewed planet fitness membership) This is so fleeting and since I don’t want this, at this very moment, the whole thought of it disgusts me. The idea of going back into the 100′s . The only thing I am using my gym for is cardio and weight loss. I plan to go tomorrow morning and burn off at least 350 cals. Every time I go I try for 350 or more.

I hate how much more effort and time I have to put in exercising to burn the calories I want gone. I’ll sneak a peak over at my treadmill neighbor and see they burned 200 cals already and it would have only been like 10mins. Mean while I’ve been on the damn thing doing 5.5 mph for like 30 mins and just hit 200 cals. My weight isn’t much better than before. I’m constantly stuck between 82-84lbs. Right now I’m at the lower end and it’s been forever since I have been. 82.4lbs BMI 14.83.

I’m sitting here hating my weight and how much fail I’ve been producing for myself in the weight loss department. I’m also sitting here with hunger pains, b/p urges tearing at my stomach. Gnawing on gum like its a life preserver, because I want to binge..but then I don’t, I so very much don’t want to. I hate this.